|Saturday, March 10th, 2012|
Welcome Back Bunnies!!!
Well it has been a long time since i have posted on here. Things are much the same. i am still an alcoholic and still bipolar of course
. my husband and i are still together (he suffers from major depressive disorder.) he has lost his job due to state cutbacks. i found out i have a seizure disorder due to my cerebral palsy and alcoholism. those seizures are scary to say the least. i cannot walk anymore due to my cerebral palsy. things are bleak but i try to keep my spirits up. soon i need an operation on my leg so i can try to walk again. unfortunately i cannot count on my hubby to care for me after the operation. i will make it tho!!!!!!!!
|Monday, June 27th, 2005|
I suppose this is just going to sound clinical, but I'm awful at this sort of thing.
I guess you can say I didn't truely seek the "real" help I needed until I hit my thirties, though it can be said I was ill since childhood. My first run in with psych meds was with a family doctor in my early twenties where I was given Depakote and Prozac. I went into the hospital at the age of 26 on my own and was put on other medications and eventually took myself off of all of them. Since I have been back on there have been so many med changes I can pretty much say I have forgotten all that I have taken. But right now the mix isn't so bad.
I've been diagnosed by my doctor and therapist as well as through testing as the following:
bipolar type ll, borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety and chronic post traumatic stress disorder.
To tell the truth I don't know or understand where one illness starts and the other begins. I find it all too confusing. I don't know how to seperate my bipolar from my borderline and so forth. If that makes any sense.
The medications I'm currently on for my mental well being:
90mgs Cymbalta, 300mgs Topamax, 3mgs Klonopin, and 75mgs Seroquel( My Bipolar Moods: Doggie StyleCollapse ) Current Mood: tired
|Thursday, June 23rd, 2005|
bipolar ptsd combo
this is from my journal too. i have been up a lot lately.
well besides these various disorders that keep me awake, i have a psychological issue with it as well. i fear sleep sometimes and i am fearing it now. i get too sick this way. it is sort of programmed into me. then when i want to sleep finally, i can't because perhaps by then mania had kicked in. that is what this is about when you have the combination of ptsd and bipolar. they affect each other. strangely, i keep meeting people who have this exact combination, i talk to my friend every day who is a viet nam vet who has ptsd and the bipolar too and we have such similar symptoms. we are very different sorts of people but we relate on this level in discussing the daily struggle. anyways this ptsd crap breaks my body down too and i get sick all the time. it has been real bad lately and i feel like a prisoner in my messy apartment. i am trying so hard to keep a good attitude, to keep the hope but it soemtimes is difficult.
magical thinking and bipolar
this i had in my journal but thought i would share here
I was talking with Lizzie about mask makers. thinking about them now. The old ones of old times back when theater was sacred and ritualistic. The mask makers would see faces in the bark of trees and then cut out the face and carve in the details and make a mask. Then the performer, or perhaps the one channeling a spirit for a trance dance type ritual, would observe the mask and then put it on and merge with the spirit. Method acting actually is not so far off from this. You observe the character and then merge you own emotions with it. Anyways I am wondering if I was a mask maker in past life because I so easily see faces in trees. I also think about the Druids. Druid means tree-seer. I guess I am a Druid of sorts too. I also used to in certain states of mind be able to envision these patterns in people's skin. Way back when my Miami ancestors were tatooists, the only tribe in that part of America to have tattoos. I imagine that the tatooists would envision the pictures on the skin and then would fill it in. This sort of magical thinking I have can be mistaken sometimes for psychosis. But the thing is when I am psychotic it is a much different experience. I am then unable to tune anything out. When I am magically thinking, I can tune it out at any time. Some doctors misunderstand me and then try to overdose me. I am very lucky now to have a doctor who understands this part of me.
My name is Darren and I have bipolar disorder and schizophrenia disorder. I hope you can welcome me into your community. I mainly take quite a bit of meds to maintain a thin line of balance. The fear is constant adjustments as I grow older but one day I think I will be off meds but I don't know it's a dream. Thanks.
Darren Current Mood: chipper
|Tuesday, June 21st, 2005|
will soon turn my hair to grey
pete please don't go away Current Mood: melancholy
|Saturday, June 18th, 2005|
A Bunny Poem
Bunnies, Bunnies, Come Out, Come Out,
You know we have been waiting!!
To delight on your graceful ears.
The way your nose twitches.
And the cute way you nibble down a weed.
It is our most peaceful time.
A time when man and wife come together.
To observe their most cherished creature.
For she is a bunny and so is he.
Why even the cat shares that name.
They observe their bunny and they feel as one.
Sweet flirtacious glaces are exchanged.
And man and wife are so happy.
As they behold their bunny together.
As she grooms herself they giggle.
This is one of the best moments of their lives
take gentle bunny care,
lizzie Current Mood: artistic
My first haiku
listen to wind in trees
then i hear a train going by
peaceful backyard bliss Current Mood: artistic
|Friday, June 17th, 2005|
vitamin e and fish oil
well many studies have been done on the benefits of fish oil for the bipolar. now my doctor also has me taking vitamin e to help prevent tardive dyskenesia that some can get from anti-psychotics. agh i hope it does indeed work. t.d. would be so hard to deal with i think. peace, nancy
|Thursday, June 16th, 2005|
Oh here comes the Scorpio Moon!!!!!
WARNING: i am gonna talk about my period so beware. that said.
fuck!!!!! PMS is here again!!! has another month passed already??????? GRRRRR!!!! bad cramps and no good meds ( like vicodin or percocet) to help with it. i usually get my period on the scorpio moon with my best friend nancy. i live in ohio and she lives out west but we talk so much on the phone that our cycles have sychronized. ( even though her cycle is 21 days and mine is 28) i know too much info. but i don't care. i am in so much pain. hells bells. i guess i will have so smoke myself until i forget i have cramps LOL.
Nancy are you ok? love you gurl. i feel your pain literally. Axl i hope i hear from you soon!!!
take gentle bunny care,
lizzie Current Mood: sore
|Wednesday, June 15th, 2005|
i am damn depressed. i had a stupid good mood that was only mania recently. not much damage done except being thrown out of zen within for being obnoxious. well that is when i started zen idiots. sometimes things come out of adversity. i have bipolar, ptsd, a bunch of anxiety disorders, dissociative identity disorder (getting alot better with that), then physical illness such as chronic fatigue and endometriosis and such. i think i want a vacation from my life. i had a brief mania and this wonderful attitude and i cheered other people up and all this and now i am in the hole. and i hate to pull anyone else in so i am going to hide out. i need a shower anyways lol. i think i would scare people. lol. i am not going anywhere except to get soem more crappy bugler rolling tobacco since i have no money hardly. luckily lizzie ordered me some senecas that will be here saturday. i am not ready to quit smoking. well i have ranted enough. lookign forward to better days? i guess. peace
|Tuesday, June 14th, 2005|
Chaotic Days !!!
well yesterday just sucked. i had a bottle of wine during the day and pete got on my case. i thought i had cleared all evidence of the tale-tell bottle but i had left a little circle of foil from the top off bottle. well pete busted me on the wine and busted me on lying about it. he started talking all about rehab and that crap. i said if i go to rehab you have to come too (cause he drinks just as much as i do.) pete said i cannot go to rehab cause i have to work. well we just go into a big argument and i just felt like ending it all. i felt like pete doesn't really love me.
so depressing.........i started writing my will. then pete asked me what i was doing an i told him--don't worry you get all the money. well then he felt bad. it is a shame it takes something like that to make him feel bad and then he professed his love to me. men......cannot live with them....cannot shoot them and bury them out back.
today was better. i had sushi with my mom for lunch. i have not seen her but one day when i was in the psych hospital in march, since december. she has spent the last 6 months in naples, florida taking it easy. i swear that woman has a tough life NOT!!!!!! i was very nervous not having really seen her for 6 months. we talked about superficial, non-important things. typical. i guess it was ok.
pete is on play-station again. where's my gun? j/k i don't own one.
take gentle bunny care,
lizzie Current Mood: calm
Wow this journal this is cool......
Ok i am new to this whole journal thing. My best friend peacock turned me on to it. She said i should be writing out my feelings in a journal because they are in suck a mess lately. i thought hell might as well have the journal be public my life is an open book anyway. i was happy to find rasta colors!!!!!!! yeah!!!!
So my name is lizzieloca, you can call me lizzie or violet or bunny. i will respond to any of those. i have bipolar disorder and post traumatic stress disorder. (a fun combo NOT) i was diagnosed seven years ago when i was 23. i live with my fiance Pete (at 28 he is a perpetual child) and my kitty Dusty. i am in therapy with a psycholgist 2x a month and i see a psychiatrist who prescribes me 5 different meds (topamax, seroquel, lithium, xanax and prozac).
everyone is welcome to post here!! as little or as much as you want. we are 4:20 friendly.
take gentle bunny care,
lizzie Current Mood: calm